pre-departure worries

Yesterday, I sat in my room and wondered if I was ready to go to South Africa. So many questions and unknowns crept through my mind. Four days I have until I leave my home - only twelve days until I leave the country. Suddenly, with no warning, there was an insurgence of doubt that I didn't know what to do with.

What if I can't help? What if they hired the wrong person? What if the kids don't like me? Am I creative enough? A good enough tutor? Outgoing enough? Smart enough? Loving enough? Disciplined enough? Patient enough? Good enough at soccer? Ready to be so far from home? To miss my first Christmas at home ever? What happens if I fail? I just want the kids to love me and for myself to be able to give them something, but what am I really qualified to give them? I'm scared that these kids deserve better.

I voice my concerns on facebook (of course) and get some incredible pep talks - on the phone, on gchat, on skype chat, and Lauren posts the following on my wall:

Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occuring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.

-Frederick F. Flack

And I know she's right. This is when I'm going to reappraise myself and the conditions in which I live. It is time, I'm afriad, to live the rest of my life with intentionality and purpose. That person I've been claiming to want to be for however many years, one of conviction and passion and love, one who values education and who understands that the world extends beyond the comforts of her own life, I need to start being that person. I know it won't happen overnight, but what is it that I always telll myself is the first step? showing up (thanks Father Pat). Well, here I go...showing up at Open Arms with an open heart is step one.

*Thanks for my family and friends (many of which I consider one and the same) - for all your undconditional support, for your pep talks, for listening to me cry and worry and make the decision in the first place, for those who have said little prayers, for those who have only just found out recently (maybe through this blog?) that I'm leaving, for all my friends and family who have taught me how to love. I will try my best to show these kids the love that you have shown me.