I cannot even believe that it was over two weeks ago that I left Phoenix airport for South Africa. It feels like I've been at Open Arms for months. Whether this bodes well or not for the next year I haven't yet been able to decide. But what I do know is that there is something building inside of me that feels a like love for these kids. (And to think I haven't even met six of them yet!!)
So now to answer the million dollar question - what have I been doing for the past week (+) since my last blog entry?
Well, on the 19th I got the opportunity to take three of the kids home for a visit with their family which was quite the eye opener. Even only seeing it from the inside of a car (the giant 14-passenger Quantum van used to car the kids around) I was astounded by the realness of it all. And all I have to say are the following two things: kids are so amazingly resilient and I am incredibly spoiled. (In fact, I think of those two things a whole lot here.)
On a lighter note, on the way to drop the kids off I made the comment to one of the kids about the beauty of the sunset and tried to explain to him the difference between a sunrise and a sunset - to which he responded: "The sun can sit?!" I laughed and told him I'd never really thought of it that way, but it was wonderful to imagine! Let me tell you, kids are a breed of their own. Later that night during snatck time (what we've come to refer to as "crazy hour") the tiniest four year-old I've ever met ran up to me and showed me that she had shoved a bead up her nose. I asked her to remove it (please) and when she had trouble I started to panic a little (as did she). Finally she managed to remove it, smiled, promptly stuck it in her mouth and then put it in my hand to throw away. The germs are pretty much free-flowing here. (Emily, you would cringe.)
My apologies - I feel like these entries might start to get a little long-winded, however, I feel like in order to get the full experience of Open Arms I need to share with you some of the smaller anecdotes (and there are so very many!).
The next day (June 20th) was an exceedingly delightful day! - the only problem with that? There were no children involved. Sunday I spent with Elyssa, Zach (two other volunteers) and Rosie (our South African friend) at Tea in the Trees (a little market where her mother, Auntie Ruth, sells the most beautiful bags and clothes!) and then onto the beach for a lovely day picking up sea shells (I got some beautiful ones!), stopping to have a drink with her friend, and enjoying lunch outside. Needless to say it was a well-appreciated outing into the real world.
The rest of my days (except the weekends) consist of having playroom time with the older of the younger kids (if that makes sense.) I have ten of them in total (as I think I mentioned in my last entry) and boy are they a handful. I'm supposed to be doing various activities in the mornings with them to asses their intellectual, problem-solving, and creative progress - but I don't know if I'm succeeding in all that just yet. They're all beautiful and wonderful and full of life, but they can also be extremely "naughty" (their word, not mine) and have definitely tested my patience to the extreme this week. They certainly have their good moments and their bad ones, but the past three days have been a major power struggle - unfortunately I am severely outnumbered. Let me also suffice it to say that there have been a number of timeouts (including a mass timeout for all ten of them at once yesterday!). And while I realize that probably sounds harsh, trust me when I say that if they don't learn to take me seriously now it's going to be a long year for the both of us.
Of course, that said, there are lots of triumphs here too every single day. The mornings have been exceptionally frustrating this week, but when they all sit down and listen to me read, I feel like I can conquer the world. (The only real moment of peace today was while I read the book "Fish Follies" - one with lots of flaps to open up). When they draw, it also just makes my heart melt. I can't tell you how many beautiful drawings I've seen over the past weeks (in chalk, in marker, in pencil, in crayer...). Kids really are exceptionally creative (today they made play dough cakes with crayon candles).
Working with them one-on-one always renews my strength as well. The only seven year-old in my group (a girl that has been arguably giving me the most trouble) and I sat down last night and read the entiety of "Go, Dog, Go" by Dr. Seuss with barely any help from me (which, if you didn't know, is quite a long book!). Ironically, one of the other great triumphs of yesterday was getting one of the other biggest trouble makers in my group to sit while I read him two stories (he certainly loves Cinderella!). Of course, today he was sent to bed for the morning becuase he refused to listen - but we'll get there! He's an adorable little kid who loves to gives kisses!
In the meantime, those anedotes I mentioned before keep coming. The other day, while watching Free Willy (Keiko!), one of the eight year old boys (a tiny little guy with a fiery temper, but also the most amazing capacity to love!) fell asleep curled up in my lap. Another day the lock on the door to the main house mysteriously was left dangling off the door ("how could no one know what happened?" was our question) so Zach and I volunteered to fix it. We managed to screw it back onto the door (after a good chunk of time), then tried out the lock, but then quickly realized that we could not unlock it! It was pretty comical. Thankfully Auntie Rita didn't come back into the house until after we'd sorted it (not that she would have minded in the least!). Another memory that will forever be stuck in my head is the kids singing "Ayoba!" during snack time/crazy hour. They'd stomp around in a circle then all shout "Ayoba!" which apparently means "celebration" (I think?). Of course, one of my new favorite activities has been facilitated by a little girl about six years-old who barely speaks English - she comes up to me every night yelling "Kea-ten! Kea-ten!" and then poitns to everything in sight which I am then to name in English. She's picked up quite a lot of it though!! And while I hate to admit it, I have become very partial towards her (shh, don't tell the others!) - she just lights up my heart and she really is a very well-behaved little girl (though she doesn't always understand what's being asked of her).
In any case, Open Arms is quickly becoming home. Eating tangerines (called nar-gies here, I won't even attempt to spell it properly!) with every meal, staying up late on the phone looking out at the flawless night sky, playing Candyland (properly after many attempts!) with the kids, having kids attached to you by flinging their arms around your waist - it's all become so natural.
So tonight, even as I think abck to this morning when I nearly had tears in my eyes from the frustration of it all, I know that I won't be able to wait to read a Bible story to the boys' houses while they sit in their pajamas. I know they will not want to sit still, they will smack each other to get out of the way cause they "can't see" and someone will not even listen to the words I'm saying. But I also know that hey'll ask questions I don't know the answers to, they'll get distracted and tell me about trips to the zoo or dreams or the monster that mama kicked out the other night, and they'll screech "goodnight Auntie Keaton!" and give me a kiss on the cheek as I leave (or if it's the older boys, beg for a second story).
And I'll sit out on the porch of the Purple House (our room) tonight (if it's not too cold) and feel oddly peaceful and content, but also restless and wanting to do better.
Ah Open Arms, I do love it here.
More to come.
Love you all and miss you all the time! Feel free to write (e-mail or snail mail) or call anytime!
--Auntie Keaton
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Getting settled
I realize I just posted something, but what I've been doing is writing blog entries on my computer, saving them onto a flash drive and then copying them onto this blog when I get a chance to get on the internet. So I'll be sure to label them with what date I've actually written them.
Feel free to post comments or send me an e-mail at kvanbeve@gmail.com. Miss you all!
Written on Saturday, June 19th, 2010 –
On Friday, I was finally given my very first assignment on my own. And let me tell you, it was quite the doozy. I was to take 10 of the children (mostly 4-5 year olds) into the playroom and have them work on various puzzles and activities for 50 minutes. Now that may sound easy, but when the kids think you’re a) a jungle gym, b) they’re playmate, and c) think that it’s ok to cry and scream if they don’t get their way…it becomes much more difficult.
However, in the spirit of staying positive – I will suffice it to say that though at the end of the session I looked around the terrorized remains of what used to be a playroom and thought to myself “wow, I really am the worst teacher ever,” I refuse to give up. Things will get better. I will find a way for the kids to respect me and most of all, I will make this worthwhile for them and for me. (Now, if I could only figure out how…).
Regardless, tomorrow morning (for most of you), it will have been a week since I’ve left the United States. And yes, I miss a lot about the States. I miss being able to drive myself places, or hop in the car with friends and blast Backer music out the windows (several songs still bring me to tears when I listen to them…); I miss seeing my friends and family regularly; I miss eating what I want when I want; I miss knowing that if I have a hard day I can count on a hug from a friend.
But all that said, here, I find myself coping with being so far from home by constantly trying to look at all the positives. I have come to love the short and long drives I’ve been taken on by the Open Arms driver (whose name I would butcher if I tried to spell it…) – drives where I can appreciate the beauty of another country, drives where it is not uncommon to be blocked by herds of bulls, where the sunrises remind you what a beautiful thing nature is, and where you can see another culture unfold right before your eyes as “boys” covered from head to toe in paint wait to become men in makeshift shelters on the side of the road. I have come to love the singing (mostly out of key) of the kids here every night just before they go to bed. I have come to look at missing my friends as a sign of what friendship truly means, knowing that the people that truly want to stay in touch will find the little (and big) ways – it’s amazing how much more appreciative I am of a single phone call or e-mail nowadays. I have come to love the mamas food, especially the mac & cheese (a favorite from home) and the pizza with homemade dough. But most of all, I love knowing that even when the days are long and hard and I’m frustrated by some of the kids, another will give me a kiss on the cheek (and sometimes a lick if it’s Asekoh…) or fall asleep on my lap during a movie – and ultimately, I know it’ll be alright.
Signing off for my second blog entry,
--Auntie Key-ton (I’m trying to get them to focus on the “key” part, although I was recently informed by one of the mamas that a former volunteer named Brett was called “Uncle Bread” for his stay at Open Arms, so I feel slightly better now!)
I'm here!!
Written on Friday, June 17th, 2010 -
So, here I am, in South Africa, at Open Arms. And boy has it been a trip thus far…
The night before my flights, I was pretty much a disaster. Suffice it to say there were many tears. Despite the tearful goodbye to my parents, my flights went fairly well. I met a lovely man getting on my flight from Phoenix to Dulles who grew up in Zimbabwe and gave me the phone numbers of his best friends who live in South Africa (he told me to call them if I ever found myself in a pickle) – this was when I was terrified to leave, so his kindness was exceptionally helpful.
At the Dulles airport I talked to Reed for about an hour (which was lovely, thank you Reed, you always calm me down!) and watched the Australia-Germany World Cup game through a pub window (eek…Australia :/), and made a few tearful promised phone calls. The time passed way too quickly and I floundered to charge my phone enough to send a few last texts before I boarded my long plane ride from Dulles to Dakar, Senegal. The long flight was pretty uneventful. Luckily, I sat next to a lovely lady from South Africa who later gave me all sorts of great advice on what to see while I was hear (and suggested I try a grapetizer, which I did on my next flight, and loved it! – thank you to my plane partner!)
(On another note, the lights just went out at Open Arms…a common occurrence lately.)
We had a quick stopover in Dakar but didn’t get off the plane and then made our way to Johannesburg. Both flights I mostly slept, read, wrote in my journal, listened to Lady Antebellum’s album on my tv monitor and then watched “It’s Complicated” and half of “The Frog Princess.”
Upon my arrival in Jo’burg, I went through customs – incredibly painless (lights went back on by the way), and found my to the telephone counter where I could activate my phone. I then found my gate, called my mom, and found some dinner (Subway and a vitamin water – I wasn’t feeling very adventurous just then), and soon enough I was on my final flight from Jo’burg to East London. I sat next to lovely man and woman on that flight too, also from South Africa, who wrote down some Xhosa phrases for me (including Lobola, which is a kind of dowry) and chatted with me about various traditions and American politics. (It was very nice to be distracted on that flight so the hour and a half went very quickly.)
Once in East London, I found my bags straight away and the Open Arms driver spotted me right away. We had to wait for a bit for the volunteers, who had been out to dinner with Rosie, our South African friend, who’s birthday it was and then we all drove over to get milkshakes on our way back to Open Arms. It was great to meet all the volunteers (and Rosie) who are all so wonderful – Caitlin, Katelyn (both from Notre Dame), Alyssa (from St. Olaf), Alyssa, Lauren (from Texas A&M), and Zach (from Arizona). Unfortunately Alyssa and Lauren would be leaving the next morning.
We made our way up to Open Arms in the dark and I was pretty dazed by the whole experience. I didn’t see much on the way there and we arrived at Open Arms in the pitch black at around 10:45pm here and went straight to the girls room, called a Rondeville (I’m sure I’m butchering that…) – or the “Purple House” as the kids call it. (I can’t post pictures just yet, our internet’s too slow, but if you want to see a picture it’s on the Open Arms website and the facebook group.) Our room’s pretty sweet. We have six bunk beds and six dressers, a bathroom with two sinks, a bathtub, shower, and two toilets, and it’s all pretty cozy and large. The only problem is there’s no heat – and boy is it cold at night!! It’s winter here, so it gets very chilly, but I’ve finally figured out that if I sleep in sweats, socks, a sweatshirt, in my sleeping back, under my ND blanket (yes, I brought it), and under the comforter, I’m set!
Well, that first night was pretty miserable. It took me about 4-5 hours to fall asleep, during which I time I just kept panicking. I’m going to be here for a year?!?! I thought. I cried a lot that night, hopefully silently so that the other girls didn’t notice…
I finally fell asleep and woke up around noon the next day, only to find all the other volunteers leaving (to take Alyssa and Lauren to East London and say goodbye.) I was terrified. They showed me the main house in the daylight (and the office) and where I could eat something…but that was kind of disheartening. I met some of the kids then and it was pure madness. One kid, who I have come to know as Siphomandla, pronounced See-po-man-la (I’m totally butchering the spelling of their names right now…) came up to me and kept pointing at me and asking “Why is she crying?” (I wasn’t by the way, but I was certainly on the verge!).
I went back to our room and the other girls left. Meanwhile, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t believe I was here and by myself. I lost it and made a couple frantic phone calls. Emily managed to calm me down a bit (I knew she’d be awake at that time!) and I managed to compose myself enough to start organizing my clothes. I settled down to get things done but then there was a knock at the door – it was Asekhona, (the oldest child at Open Arms) – the girls had called me to get a number out of the office for them. As Asekhona was leaving I remembered she’d said that she was going to watch the Parent Trap, so I joined them in the TV room and met the older kids (it was lala time for the little ones, which means nap time). I got to meet lots of kids and read a little with Xholelani, pronounced Ko-lay-lawn-ee and felt a little better that night. The other volunteers came back that night with Rosie and we all watched the Brazil-North Korea game, made bracelets, ate popcorn, and played in a dominos tourney (on-going) – which was wonderful!
The next day was good, I learned lots more of their names and watched more movies, soccer, and got into the swing of things. I also got to eat more (sampa, broccoli, and beef). I also got peed on (woops!) and learned to jump rope in the proper South African way by the mamas and a few of the girls. That night we tried to play games with the older boys in the green house, which went well for a bit, but then after the power went out for about the fifth time, the lights came on and two of the boys were sobbing uncontrollably. Then another one started and we could not figure out for the life of us why! Finally we let the mamas take care of it (after about 45 minutes) and went and watched the South Africa-Uruguay game with a few of the mamas, Asekhona and Ayabunga (the second oldest) – what a travesty of a game! After the game, I called my parents, who it was wonderful to talk to, and always make me feel better about being here, but who also informed me that Tabs had passed away. It was a rough night dealing with that information – I loved him very much and miss him a lot and feel bad for not saying a proper goodbye, but we have some great memories.
This morning was good too. We went into Komga this morning to the store where I bought a Coke (delicious!) and a soccer magazine (which promptly got ripped to shreds by the children, I’ve learned my lesson…) and some of the kids went to the library (I love that they love to read, even if they are a bit behind!). Then this afternoon I met Auntie Jeanine, the behavioral psychologist and we went over what I would be doing for the next few weeks. I’m going to take ten of the kids at a time into the playroom and stimulate their problem solving and motor skills. Then we have a break and then we have creative time in the crèche (the preschool) where they do what they missed in the morning while they were with me. She did the first session today to show me, so my first one by myself is tomorrow! Wow! We’ll see how it goes. The most challenging part of it all is that I’m not supposed to be their friend. That’s gonna be hard, especially after the past few days, it’s definitely a delicate balance.
I do love these kids though. Open Arms is a funny place. Most of the time is screaming, kicking, crying, fighting, spitting up, and all that – but it’s also laughing, singing, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and smiling. It’s the most interesting of balances but you know that the kids are giving you all the love they have (even if sometimes they’re mad at you) and you’re giving it right back. I can’t believe I’ve only been here for three days. It feels like an eternity.
And I won’t lie, much of the time, I’m scared. I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing or if I’ll be any good, but I’m just learning to take it one day at a time, one kid at a time, one smile at a time. Open Arms is truly a beautiful place though. (And I’m not only referring to the beautiful sunset I accidentally caught out my window the other morning or the gorgeous stars at night.)
Alright, well now it’s time to go and watch the France-Mexico World Cup game (a nightly staple for the volunteers at Open Arms!).
I love you all and I miss you lots and I will try to get pictures of any way I can.
Thank you for the phone calls, the e-mails, and everything else! I haven’t been able to check my facebook or respond to many of my e-mails (the internet is very, very slow here) but I will do my best!
With love from “Auntie Kitten” (yes, that is what they call me…although Asekho got “Key-ton, like ‘the key’” today which made me happy!) More to come!
So, here I am, in South Africa, at Open Arms. And boy has it been a trip thus far…
The night before my flights, I was pretty much a disaster. Suffice it to say there were many tears. Despite the tearful goodbye to my parents, my flights went fairly well. I met a lovely man getting on my flight from Phoenix to Dulles who grew up in Zimbabwe and gave me the phone numbers of his best friends who live in South Africa (he told me to call them if I ever found myself in a pickle) – this was when I was terrified to leave, so his kindness was exceptionally helpful.
At the Dulles airport I talked to Reed for about an hour (which was lovely, thank you Reed, you always calm me down!) and watched the Australia-Germany World Cup game through a pub window (eek…Australia :/), and made a few tearful promised phone calls. The time passed way too quickly and I floundered to charge my phone enough to send a few last texts before I boarded my long plane ride from Dulles to Dakar, Senegal. The long flight was pretty uneventful. Luckily, I sat next to a lovely lady from South Africa who later gave me all sorts of great advice on what to see while I was hear (and suggested I try a grapetizer, which I did on my next flight, and loved it! – thank you to my plane partner!)
(On another note, the lights just went out at Open Arms…a common occurrence lately.)
We had a quick stopover in Dakar but didn’t get off the plane and then made our way to Johannesburg. Both flights I mostly slept, read, wrote in my journal, listened to Lady Antebellum’s album on my tv monitor and then watched “It’s Complicated” and half of “The Frog Princess.”
Upon my arrival in Jo’burg, I went through customs – incredibly painless (lights went back on by the way), and found my to the telephone counter where I could activate my phone. I then found my gate, called my mom, and found some dinner (Subway and a vitamin water – I wasn’t feeling very adventurous just then), and soon enough I was on my final flight from Jo’burg to East London. I sat next to lovely man and woman on that flight too, also from South Africa, who wrote down some Xhosa phrases for me (including Lobola, which is a kind of dowry) and chatted with me about various traditions and American politics. (It was very nice to be distracted on that flight so the hour and a half went very quickly.)
Once in East London, I found my bags straight away and the Open Arms driver spotted me right away. We had to wait for a bit for the volunteers, who had been out to dinner with Rosie, our South African friend, who’s birthday it was and then we all drove over to get milkshakes on our way back to Open Arms. It was great to meet all the volunteers (and Rosie) who are all so wonderful – Caitlin, Katelyn (both from Notre Dame), Alyssa (from St. Olaf), Alyssa, Lauren (from Texas A&M), and Zach (from Arizona). Unfortunately Alyssa and Lauren would be leaving the next morning.
We made our way up to Open Arms in the dark and I was pretty dazed by the whole experience. I didn’t see much on the way there and we arrived at Open Arms in the pitch black at around 10:45pm here and went straight to the girls room, called a Rondeville (I’m sure I’m butchering that…) – or the “Purple House” as the kids call it. (I can’t post pictures just yet, our internet’s too slow, but if you want to see a picture it’s on the Open Arms website and the facebook group.) Our room’s pretty sweet. We have six bunk beds and six dressers, a bathroom with two sinks, a bathtub, shower, and two toilets, and it’s all pretty cozy and large. The only problem is there’s no heat – and boy is it cold at night!! It’s winter here, so it gets very chilly, but I’ve finally figured out that if I sleep in sweats, socks, a sweatshirt, in my sleeping back, under my ND blanket (yes, I brought it), and under the comforter, I’m set!
Well, that first night was pretty miserable. It took me about 4-5 hours to fall asleep, during which I time I just kept panicking. I’m going to be here for a year?!?! I thought. I cried a lot that night, hopefully silently so that the other girls didn’t notice…
I finally fell asleep and woke up around noon the next day, only to find all the other volunteers leaving (to take Alyssa and Lauren to East London and say goodbye.) I was terrified. They showed me the main house in the daylight (and the office) and where I could eat something…but that was kind of disheartening. I met some of the kids then and it was pure madness. One kid, who I have come to know as Siphomandla, pronounced See-po-man-la (I’m totally butchering the spelling of their names right now…) came up to me and kept pointing at me and asking “Why is she crying?” (I wasn’t by the way, but I was certainly on the verge!).
I went back to our room and the other girls left. Meanwhile, I started sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn’t believe I was here and by myself. I lost it and made a couple frantic phone calls. Emily managed to calm me down a bit (I knew she’d be awake at that time!) and I managed to compose myself enough to start organizing my clothes. I settled down to get things done but then there was a knock at the door – it was Asekhona, (the oldest child at Open Arms) – the girls had called me to get a number out of the office for them. As Asekhona was leaving I remembered she’d said that she was going to watch the Parent Trap, so I joined them in the TV room and met the older kids (it was lala time for the little ones, which means nap time). I got to meet lots of kids and read a little with Xholelani, pronounced Ko-lay-lawn-ee and felt a little better that night. The other volunteers came back that night with Rosie and we all watched the Brazil-North Korea game, made bracelets, ate popcorn, and played in a dominos tourney (on-going) – which was wonderful!
The next day was good, I learned lots more of their names and watched more movies, soccer, and got into the swing of things. I also got to eat more (sampa, broccoli, and beef). I also got peed on (woops!) and learned to jump rope in the proper South African way by the mamas and a few of the girls. That night we tried to play games with the older boys in the green house, which went well for a bit, but then after the power went out for about the fifth time, the lights came on and two of the boys were sobbing uncontrollably. Then another one started and we could not figure out for the life of us why! Finally we let the mamas take care of it (after about 45 minutes) and went and watched the South Africa-Uruguay game with a few of the mamas, Asekhona and Ayabunga (the second oldest) – what a travesty of a game! After the game, I called my parents, who it was wonderful to talk to, and always make me feel better about being here, but who also informed me that Tabs had passed away. It was a rough night dealing with that information – I loved him very much and miss him a lot and feel bad for not saying a proper goodbye, but we have some great memories.
This morning was good too. We went into Komga this morning to the store where I bought a Coke (delicious!) and a soccer magazine (which promptly got ripped to shreds by the children, I’ve learned my lesson…) and some of the kids went to the library (I love that they love to read, even if they are a bit behind!). Then this afternoon I met Auntie Jeanine, the behavioral psychologist and we went over what I would be doing for the next few weeks. I’m going to take ten of the kids at a time into the playroom and stimulate their problem solving and motor skills. Then we have a break and then we have creative time in the crèche (the preschool) where they do what they missed in the morning while they were with me. She did the first session today to show me, so my first one by myself is tomorrow! Wow! We’ll see how it goes. The most challenging part of it all is that I’m not supposed to be their friend. That’s gonna be hard, especially after the past few days, it’s definitely a delicate balance.
I do love these kids though. Open Arms is a funny place. Most of the time is screaming, kicking, crying, fighting, spitting up, and all that – but it’s also laughing, singing, hugging, kissing, cuddling, and smiling. It’s the most interesting of balances but you know that the kids are giving you all the love they have (even if sometimes they’re mad at you) and you’re giving it right back. I can’t believe I’ve only been here for three days. It feels like an eternity.
And I won’t lie, much of the time, I’m scared. I’m not sure exactly what I’m doing or if I’ll be any good, but I’m just learning to take it one day at a time, one kid at a time, one smile at a time. Open Arms is truly a beautiful place though. (And I’m not only referring to the beautiful sunset I accidentally caught out my window the other morning or the gorgeous stars at night.)
Alright, well now it’s time to go and watch the France-Mexico World Cup game (a nightly staple for the volunteers at Open Arms!).
I love you all and I miss you lots and I will try to get pictures of any way I can.
Thank you for the phone calls, the e-mails, and everything else! I haven’t been able to check my facebook or respond to many of my e-mails (the internet is very, very slow here) but I will do my best!
With love from “Auntie Kitten” (yes, that is what they call me…although Asekho got “Key-ton, like ‘the key’” today which made me happy!) More to come!
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
pre-departure worries
Yesterday, I sat in my room and wondered if I was ready to go to South Africa. So many questions and unknowns crept through my mind. Four days I have until I leave my home - only twelve days until I leave the country. Suddenly, with no warning, there was an insurgence of doubt that I didn't know what to do with.
What if I can't help? What if they hired the wrong person? What if the kids don't like me? Am I creative enough? A good enough tutor? Outgoing enough? Smart enough? Loving enough? Disciplined enough? Patient enough? Good enough at soccer? Ready to be so far from home? To miss my first Christmas at home ever? What happens if I fail? I just want the kids to love me and for myself to be able to give them something, but what am I really qualified to give them? I'm scared that these kids deserve better.
I voice my concerns on facebook (of course) and get some incredible pep talks - on the phone, on gchat, on skype chat, and Lauren posts the following on my wall:
Most people can look back over the years and identify a time and place at which their lives changed significantly. Whether by accident or design, these are the moments when, because of a readiness within us and a collaboration with events occuring around us, we are forced to seriously reappraise ourselves and the conditions under which we live and to make certain choices that will affect the rest of our lives.
-Frederick F. Flack
And I know she's right. This is when I'm going to reappraise myself and the conditions in which I live. It is time, I'm afriad, to live the rest of my life with intentionality and purpose. That person I've been claiming to want to be for however many years, one of conviction and passion and love, one who values education and who understands that the world extends beyond the comforts of her own life, I need to start being that person. I know it won't happen overnight, but what is it that I always telll myself is the first step? showing up (thanks Father Pat). Well, here I go...showing up at Open Arms with an open heart is step one.
*Thanks for my family and friends (many of which I consider one and the same) - for all your undconditional support, for your pep talks, for listening to me cry and worry and make the decision in the first place, for those who have said little prayers, for those who have only just found out recently (maybe through this blog?) that I'm leaving, for all my friends and family who have taught me how to love. I will try my best to show these kids the love that you have shown me.
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